


No Longer Lost

by coolguylua



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, First time writing angst, M/M, Some death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2020-12-16 12:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21036008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coolguylua/pseuds/coolguylua
Summary: Kageyama Tobia is deeply regretful of the injury that caused him is future. He is reunited with his old life in this story.





	1. Chapter 1

The gym is dark.  
It smells familiar, but new at the same time, like taking off a gently used raincoat after a slight sprinkling of rain.  
The net isn’t strung up, but I can feel the ghost of it looming in the air. Nostalgia engulfs me as I stare silently at the court, wondering.  
Wondering how it would have felt to continue playing volleyball.   
It hurts to think about it, but the presence is heavy in my conscience, and I can’t help but indulge in my lost dream.  
After sneaking into the gym at nighttime, the karasuno gym, where I played for three years, all I can do is sit and remember when my life had purpose, when I had excitement and friends and love.   
Love.  
Everyone expected the highschool has-been. It would’ve been one of us. You know, the guy who peaks in their third year, gets injured, never plays again. Sits wallowing while it heals for a few weeks. Weeks turn into months. Months turn into years of unsatisfactory sadness pooling in your stomach like molasses.  
You don’t succeed in your dream.  
You don’t go to college.  
You don’t marry the boy you loved.  
It feels so disgusting sitting here on the cool wooden floor. A twenty year old disgrace limping along the outskirts around the court, wishing to feel the same satisfaction as he did those years ago. Maybe if he closed his eyes and imagined hard enough, he could manifest some sort of feeling even a little comparable of those he felt on the court.  
Remember that?   
King of The Court.  
Yeah fucking right.  
It sucked, you know. The one thing that mattered to you, the only thing that kept you alive and working and functioning, was torn from your hands in the name of fate, or destiny, or whatever that preacher told me in the hospital that night. It’s all just one big blur now.   
Sure, I could play. I could play in the league for men just down the road. The one for people who just didn’t make it. Fuckups like me.   
I wanted to go to college. I wanted to play professionally one day. I got stuck in highschool, now working for my old coach, Ukai in his grocery store. At least he told me i’d get it when he moves out of this “shithole” of a town. Personally, I think it’s a little too late for that.  
I don’t plan on leaving this place. Sure, you could call it self pity. I just think that it’s surrounding myself with notalgia.  
Every now and again, I go see a game with the current Karasuno team. They lose every single time.  
It sounds arrogant, I know, saying that the only reason they were good was because I was there.  
But who else would’ve been able to set for him.

***

“Cash or credit?” I ask, bagging the crate of ramune.  
“Cash.” The woman pulls just enough money to buy her groceries. No change. Tax included.  
“Have a nice day, ma’am!”  
The woman is already half way out the door when I see the lighter stuck in her waistband, but I don’t care enough about Ukai or the lighter to stop her.  
Just when I’m about to settle back onto my stool, collapsing with exhaustion from staying up all night in the gymnasium the night before, the phone rings and I let out a loud groan that earns me a concerned look from my coworker behind me.  
“Ukai’s general, how can I help you on this fine evening?”  
Hikaru chuckles behind me. He and I both know that Ukai encourages us to be enthusiastic when answering calls. I flip him off.  
The voice chimes in on the other line.  
“Do you guys do delivery or pickup?”  
“Both.”  
I pull out a notepad from the counter and write down everything he tells me. The address, rice, popsicles, eggs, and chocolate.   
“Yeah, all set. That’ll be thirty seventy-nine at the door, sir.”

***

“FUCK YOU!”   
Hikaru speeds away in the delivery car, driving himself home, leaving me alone with my bike and all of the groceries borderline falling out of the basket. The light on my bike has been dysfunctional for months, since i hadn’t bothered to purchase a new one. Thankfully, the streetlights are working again, so it’s not that risky.  
I kick off on my bike, slowly gliding down the hill, my phone balanced between the handle bars so that I can follow the GPS. If it’s forty minutes by car, it’ll be over an hour by bike. Another night I won’t be sleeping, I guess. I speed up, trying to gain a few minutes, but it just ends up tiring me out more than anything else.  
Ten minutes go by. I’m sweating, and night has completely descended on the town.   
Thirty minutes, and my legs are burning for being so out of practice. My usual ride is less than ten minutes, so this is extremely refreshing but it makes me want to drive myself into traffic at the same time. When I get there, it’s passed 9. P.m.  
Heaving, I lean my bike on the rack rather than sliding it in to save some time. I grab the bags of groceries in my arms and slowly walk down the sidewalk around the neighborhood, staring at the numbers on mailboxes. I stand in front of the house and almost drop the groceries when the outside lights flash on and I see a familiar face cross by the front window toward the door.  
“Fuck,” I whisper violently. I leave the groceries on the doorstep and my fight or flight response kicks in, so I sprint as fast as I can, but the door opens behind me, so I dive behind a car parked on the curb.  
“He left it on the doorstep.”   
Something incomprehensible.  
“Yeah I’ll just leave the money in an envelope.”  
I let out a massive breath and my body relaxes, the ache setting into my muscles. Cautiously, I creep out from behind the car and walk slowly toward the doorstep where the envelope sits. I pick it up quickly and shove it into my pocket of my jacket.  
Why the fuck was Kenma Kozume at Hinata’s house?

***

I wake up to the shrill tone of my phone’s alarm clock.  
The memories from last night flood back into my brain and I push the heels of my hands into my eye sockets in a sad attempt to forget.  
So, they’re back.  
Hinata and Kenma went to university together in Tokyo after graduation. When Hinata told me he was going to that school, we had an explosive fight that altogether just destroyed our relationship in the most cliche way possible.  
They don’t come back except for summers, and I’m usually able to plan ahead as to avoid them as much as possible.   
I’m still lightheaded from waking up, so i’m not nearly as frazzled as I would normally be when I see the calender notification on my phone.   
HINATA BABEY BIRTHDAY!!!  
Oh. That’s still there?  
Before he left for college a few years ago, before our fight, he put this in my calender to remind me of his birthday, since I practically have memory loss. I used it the first year, and sent him a care package to Tokyo with new volleyball shoes, because I had bought them beforehand and felt it would just be a waste since he was two shoe sizes smaller than me. They were sent back, the postal company saying the address didn’t exist. They’ve been wasting away in my closet ever since, the box still closed, the note inside telling him to come back and visit once and a while.  
Hinata never came back to visit once, except for summers, as he had no where else to go, obviously.   
I get it. He’s wild. He’s a volleyball star, with Kenma setting to him better than I ever could. They were really touchy when they were still here and ended up being the source of a lot of my jealousy. WIthout that, they’re probably dating by now. If not, Hinata probably has some sexy, blonde boy-toy who didn’t fuck it all up in his third year.  
I roll out of bed slowly, and tousle my hair in the mirror. I’ve kept the same hairstyle since I was a first year, since it was practical and seemed to work well. My phone chimes from the bed. It’s from my mom.  
Volleyball open house tonight at the men’s league  
The men’s league? I thought I made it crystal clear that volleyball was no longer on my list of many, many hobbies.  
Sike. The only hobby I have is being a pathetic adult grasping back for his childhood. Or if drawing in a sketchbook once in a while is what you would consider a hobby. And that your parents send you expensive art supplies to you for every occasion because they can’t figure out anything else.   
All of the stuff in between I just work or watch t.v.  
I move to the closet and open the door, where the dreaded package resides that suddenly feels a lot more pathetic. Carefully, I pick out a pair of shorts and a thin, long sleeve shirt boasting the karasuno class of 2015 label. At least I graduated.  
The pair of kneepads and shoes loon above me on a small white rack at the top of the closet. Without even thinking, I grab the both of them, and slide the kneepads on as if almost out of habit. Then the shoes, left then right, like it always used to be.   
I grab my phone and slide into my tiny kitchen and snatch a years old waterbottle from a squeaky cabinet. As I fill it, dust floats to the surface, so I dump it out and fill it again.   
I check my phone again. It’s nine o’clock, so the open house will start in less than an hour.My phone chimes again, incredibly unexpectedly.   
Wait.  
The Karasuno group chat? That can’t be right.   
What the fuck? Daichi?   
Who else is in town for Hinata’s bday??  
What. The. Fuck.   
People start chiming in. Suga responds, saying he’s there, and then tanaka, and noya. Even fucking Tsukishima is coming.  
He says;  
Bokuto, Kuroo, and Akaashi are in the area for the weekend.   
You can’t be fucking serious. Nearly the entire team is here for Hinata’s twentieth birthday?? Maybe someone could’ve told me??  
And then this.   
Kageyama r u coming to the open house today?  
My brain absolutely fucking busts as my fingers start moving themselves.  
Yeah. i’ll be there in 10  
***  
My backpack thumps against my back as I bike into the parking lot of the Karasuno gym. It was reserved today specifically for volleyball, so there won’t be anybody else here today for four hours.   
My mind races and my body is numb. The familiar feeling of the kneepads is comforting but also unnerving at the same time. The door is only a few strides away now.  
SHould I turn back?  
If Hinatas in there, what would I do?  
He’s on the college team. If he was extraordinary as a teenager, what could he be now?  
It feels like the sky is falling. The karasuno group chat hasn’t been used for years since this morning. My bag weighs me down. I shift uncomfortably before the door.  
My hand feels the smooth rim of the door handle before pulling it open.  
The sound of a ball slamming against the hard floor ignites a flame in me.  
“KAGEYAMA!!”  
Massive arms engulf me and I crash down the the floor without warning. “Fuck.”  
I turn around and stand up quickly, the familiar face of Noya clouding my vision. He’s still pretty short, probably an inch or two taller, and his hair is down all the way rather than spiked up an unnecessary amount.  
I feel the corners of my mouth flick up into a smile as I hit him on the shoulder lightly to show him gratitude.  
“I missed you guys.” I say, looking at the ground. Almost everyone, except for ennoshita and yamaguchi, had left the town and gone to some big shot college to play volleyball.   
Noya smiles back at me and returns the slap, only three times as hard.   
I laugh loudly, probably my first genuine one in months. Soon enough, Tanaka, Tsukishima, Bokuto, Akaashi, Daichi, and Suga crowded around me and I feel in place again.  
I felt like a teenager. Like a boy with big dreams.  
“Alright guys, Kenma says that he and Hinata will be here in like five minutes. Warm up-- he’ll want a real firey game for the reunion.”  
Soon enough, everyone in engulfed in the game. Even having been out of shape and practice for years, there are some things in muscle memory that will never turn back your habits.   
I set for Tanaka for a while, before Suga and I both start setting to eachother at an unnecessarily fast pace.

Until the door slams and the ball drops the the floor.  
Bright orange hair side by side with dark roots and blonde hair.  
Oh my God.  
His eyes meet mine and I’m striding toward him.  
I can’t even feel my body.   
My arms sling over his shoulders as I embrace him tightly. When I pull away, his gaze is burning flames into my soul.  
“It’s good to see you, Tobio.”

***

Time flies by at a crazy rate. I didn’t set to him today. I set to Tanaka, who was great, but I missed the thrill of Hinata, of getting the impossible spike and the rush of emotions when you hear the ball slam into the floor.  
Now, I’m standing on his doorstep, once again, having no idea what to do.   
He texted me at around lunchtime, asking me over for dinner since kenma would be out with his parents for the night. Of course I said yes.  
I brought strawberry milk from the store. I know it’s his favorite.  
I knock on the door quietly, hoping he won’t hear it and will allow me time to think. But of course, knowing him, he’s been waiting by the door for the past half hour.   
“Hey,” I say when he opens the door. His hair is tousled and wet, and he’s wearing sweatpants that are painfully similar to the ones we used to wear in highschool.  
“Hey, Kags.”  
Fuck. The nickname he gave me when we first started dating, but never truly fell out of using. In the hand that isn’t holding the box of strawberry milk is the care package with the volleyball shoes that was never delivered. I hand it to him quickly, hoping to make it as painless as possible.  
“Here, that’s for you,” My eyes peer around the corner of the doorway. “Can I come in?”  
“Of course,” He chimes, stepping aside as I walk in.  
The house smells like wintery candles, something I would imagine Kenma’s parents would indulge in.   
I walk through the hallway to the kitchen, and lightly set the box of milk on the table.

***  
We eat in nearly complete silence, until he stands up and takes our dishes to the sink. He then brings back the package I handed him earlier.  
“What is it?”  
“I’m sorry,” I blurt, not being able to hold it back and longer than I already have.  
“For what?” He murmurs, eyes set on the labeling of the carboard box.  
“I sent it to you a few years ago for your birthday. It got sent back two days later.”  
“Damn.” He still won’t look me in the eye.  
“I didn’t want it,” I say. Shit, the floodgates are really opening here. “I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to be a disappointment.”  
“You aren’t a disappointment. And it isn’t your fault that you got injured.”  
“I fucking lost you, Hinata. And yes, don’t try to tell me it’s not my fucking fault. BEcause I know it is.”  
He tosses the box aside, which I find incredibly offensive at first, until he leans over the table and grabs my face, bringing me closer until I can feel his breath.  
He brings his whole body onto the table, until he’s above me and I’m in between his legs and I don’t know how to feel.  
“You haven’t lost me.”  
And with that, his lips meet mine, and i’m no longer lost.


	2. Chapter 2

The pressure of the sleeping boy’s back against my chest is enough to send me into a comfortable coma.   
One kiss, one hug, one connection had made me feel whole again. All I needed was to wrap my hands around him for the ghostly emptiness to disappear, and for my heart to glow like it never has before.   
The movie was okay. Of course, I wasn’t paying attention at all, my mind focused on the breathing patterns of Hinata and his head resting on my shoulder while he drifted to sleep.   
There isn’t much more to do other than watch the end credits and do my best to calm down, but i’m not sure I can. What happens after this? Does he leave for Tokyo again? Will i be left once again an empty shell of what one was?  
Too much to think about, to decide, and not enough time to feel.  
Fuck. I can’t do this.  
I can’t give myself hope! What the fuck was I thinking? He’ll be gone likely in less than a week, ad my life will be overturned. Why does he care so little about me and what i want? He thinks I will waltz into Kenma’s house, kiss him, share with him all the pining and heartache, and then what? Wait for him to leave and break me all over again?  
I spring up, careful to disturb him. I dig around on the floor for my shirt, that I tore off before realizing it’s not what I wanted. My mind is scrambled, and I find it quickly, pulling it onto my body without hesitation. My floor is on the nightstand, and I slip it into my back pocket before planting a kiss onto his head and opening the door to leave.  
“Kags,” Hinata says, sitting up without hesitation. “Where are you going?”  
“Home,” I blurt, hoping my frustration doesn’t show through.   
“It’s late, babe. Just sleep over.”  
My heart leaps when he calls me that, but my mind stays clouded. He’s tired and doesn’t know what he wants.  
“Thats okay. Thanks for offering.” I close the door behind me and start home.

***  
I can’t sleep.  
It only took me moments before I realized that my poor attempt to finally get some rest was in vain. Moments later, my phone rings. Ukai.  
“Hey, Kageyama. Sorry to call you so late, but Hikaru just quit on me, that son of a bitch. I’m gonna need you to cover the early shift this morning, and um, forever after that until I can find someone else.” Ukai chuckles, obviously furious.   
“Yeah, I got it. Thanks for calling.”  
“No problem. Get some sleep.”  
***  
The alarm goes off for 4:30 am.  
Fuck.  
Covering the “early shift” is just code word for waking up at the asscrack of dawn to bike in shitty weather, just to serve a handful of shitty people that come in every morning without fail. Whatever. It’s not like I have anything else to do anyway.  
After showering, I grab my water bottle and granola bar and toss it into my bicycle basket. I throw a sweatshirt on, and then a jacket.  
At 5:00, i’m out of the house, and gliding down the road.   
Hikaru will be getting a call from me later today, and not a positive one. He was hired around three months ago, fresh out of highschool. He wasn’t going to college, so he needed a job pretty quick, but me and Ukai could both tell that he was itching to get out of there with his girlfriend. He was always flying by the seat of his pants, but he never struck me as disrespectful or disregarding.   
Well, now thats gone out the window.  
Ukai’s family store is the go-to place within ten miles of karasuno highschool, especially because it pulls in a lot of hungry teenagers. It has the stuff everyone needs, and the stuff everyone wants. It has toilet paper, candy, cigarettes, air freshener, rice, and a tackboard chock full of ads for other places.  
The only issue is that not a single soul in the town has ever needed a job bad enough to work there. Except more me and Hikaru, I guess. The odd hours that change whenever Ukai feels like it, the janitorial maintenance, and the strange jobs that we take care of for him. One time, I delivered a birthday gift to his 6 year old niece. That was a hard one to explain to that girls parents.  
However, it’s accessible, close, and Ukai places enough trust in me to make me manager. I suppose if we had a staff to manage, my issues would be irrelevant. At least I got pain more than Hikaru, who barely gets pain 800 yen an hour. I make about 600 yen more.  
Ukai is probably just a cheapskate who can’t get away with paying everyone below minimum wage, so he compensates by paying me a liveable wage. Thankfully.  
I show up at the store close to 5 minutes before opening. I unlock the doors, light up the store, get the coffee machines in the back running. The hum of the machines are mind numbing.  
Minutes later, the landline rings.  
“Ukai’s General, how can I help you today?”  
“I was wondering if I could get a delivery?” The voice is muffled on the other end and suspiciously deep, but I recognize trolling Hinata looking for an excuse to talk and roll my eyes. Seeing as I haven’t been contacted by him this morning, it must be his way of reaching out to find out what's wrong. Even if it is only minutes after opening.  
“Unfortunately, we are really fucking understaffed today, so we aren’t offering delivery. However, you can come pick it up yourself if the mood suits you.” and with that, I slam the phone out of frustration.  
I rub my temples and slump onto the stool. I wish I could welcome Hinata back home with unlimited affection and happiness, but the reality of the situation is that he let me come into the house he was staying at, eat dinner, and then hold him while he fell asleep in my arms, knowing it wasn’t permanent.  
Work is overwhelmingly boring. People come in and out, breakfast around 6:00 for the early risers, the first wave of people. Shitty egg sandwiches, cereals in those little plastic bowls, caffeine addicts practically sprinting to the coffee machines. Two hundred yen, sir. No, we don’t accept American money. No, we don’t accept the use of credit for purchases under 500 yen.  
The bell rings after “breakfast rush hour.” It’s a hooded person, short, probably a teenager looking for some quick fix with a slushie or energy drink. He delves into the shelves and emerges with two strawberry milk, and that face of Hinata.  
“What are you doing here?” I sigh, pressing the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.  
“When do you go on break, Kags?” Hinata looks worried, like he didn’t just upend my entire life by coming here.  
“I don’t have a break. I’m the only employee.” I look up. “Don’t call me Kags.”  
He knows better than to act hurt, so he just moves around the counter and slides me a strawberry milk. He pulls up a second stool to sit next to me, and starts drinking his milk.  
“I’m dropping out.”  
My body is physically repulsed by these words.  
“Why the fuck would you do that? You’re an amazing player, and you deserve an amazing life. You need to continue college volleyball if you plan on going pro. You know that right? Do you know that I spent every waking minute of my life praying that your dreams would come true? That you’d go pro? Do you know why I did that, Hinata Shoyo? Because I couldn’t do it myself, so i rooted for you.” My face heats with the proclamation, but i’m not done. “Why would you come back here? You don’t even live here! You literally live over the mountain. What was the point of coming here, making me believe that you cared about me, and then leaving again? Why would you do that? Why would you throw away what you worked so hard for?”  
Hinata shakes his head and I suddenly see tears welling up in his eyes. I must’ve hit a nerve. What did I say?  
“Two weeks ago Kageyama, I found out that my parents were killed in a care accident. I dropped out and ‘threw my life away’ because Natsu no longer has parents, and she needs her brother.”  
Fuck. I definitely hit a nerve.  
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize-”  
“I know you’re sorry. You didn’t know. I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to enjoy my birthday weekend before, um, becoming a real adult. No one else knows about this except for Kenma and his parents.”  
Tears flush down his face and he hides his face instinctively.   
“I’m sorry for taking you in last night. I just… you were my anchor, kageyama. You still are. I needed an anchor. I understand if you don’t want to carry the weight any longer.” I reach out to him, and he flinches away.  
“Hinata-”  
“It’s okay. I need to go see Natsu now.” He hops of the stool, tosses his milk in the garbage, and leaves.


End file.
